ALTER EGO

The Forgotten

In the background of the echoes of the last year which had begun and ended in supersonic speed, 2008 was a significant watershed year. We have to go through the last year to understand and live through this new year and the next few to come.

International and domestic incidents are reinforcing the same lessons - reminding us to return to the basics of appreciating the value of life, living life to the fullest and being with family and loved ones.

When my wife complained that I was returning home very late from the office whilst she was waiting at home every night, I did not understand.

When my colleague wanted to leave work at 6pm sharp every evening, I was shocked.

When my friend, Michael lost his beloved wife, Yen in Mumbai, the same thought struck my wife and I - it could happen to either one of us. We cannot stop the unexpected from happening to us but we could find more time for each other.

I grieve not only for Michael, but for myself and many others who are nonchalant about what we are losing every day - living the way we want to and pursuing our passions.

Singaporeans Never Let You Forget that Creature Comforts are Very Important

This is the reason why a fellow lawyer gave up her passion for yoga and returned to law. What is the purpose of material wants? They just don't mean anything to me now.

The hurry and flurry of shopping and spring-cleaning to celebrate festivals are lost causes to me. Food does not fascinate me anymore. There are days when I really don't know what to eat. Can you believe that in our food paradise? Holidays do not bring warmth to my heart and happiness to my soul.

Life does not make sense to me anymore.

My mother tried to analyse the reason for my feeling this way: 'Your energy is just sapped away by your busy week. That's why you are so tired.' Nowadays, all I feel is tiredness and fatigue. Weekends, with their string of social obligations, make me feel even more worn out.

Is this what happens when you hit your 40s? What do I look forward to? Just being in the presence of family is all that I crave for nowadays.

I first discovered this when my long-suffering wife returned to school to pursue her Masters about five months ago. During the first few weeks of her school term when she was so busy, I got depressed. I had to dig out my own keys to let myself into our home, turn on the lights and ransack the kitchen for food. I sorely missed the small and simple things that my wife used to dutifully and kindly do after a day's work.

I started spending more time with family and friends. It felt good just being with people who mean something to me. We did not engage in any activities that are labelled as 'cool' and 'exciting'. We merely sat together, talked and ate simple food. I spend Thursday nights at my brother's home with his children, six-year-old Mahashini and seven-month-old Keshav. I see life through their eyes. Their smiles, cries and innocent wonder at things around them make me appreciate life. 'Stay the night with me,' my niece would urge when I am about to leave.

When my parents-in-law show their support and love in the form of visits and abundant supplies of home-cooked food, I simply feel grateful.

Gratitude - how often we forget this feeling. Families will remember problems and conflicts for a long time, but forget the good times, love and kinship easily.

The best gift that any one can give me now is the lost kinship.

Compassion is a Rare Emotion Nowadays

This was expressed by a friend during an SMS exchange a few months ago. When I was in the midst of writing this piece, a doctor acquaintance exclaimed in response to good care shown in a government hospital, 'Finally, there is compassion in this country!'

We, in Singapore, are paying a great price for what we have today. Besides loss of time, we have forgotten about the other Cs - care, concern and compassion. I find it amusing how our newspapers often highlight these Cs that Singaporeans are wont to display during times of tragedy such as natural disasters. Is the media telling us that we are indeed humane beings or reminding us of the need to be so?

The tides of compassion are slowly ebbing away from my once-soft heart. It is being replaced with complaints, frustration and negativity.

Will leaving Singapore for a period of time heal me? Or does the solution lie in creating a self-imposed seclusion in Singapore? Many declare that the better solution is to go away. I can think of at least two friends who are practising the latter - seclusion of values, practices and people that they clearly do not want to be associated with. You can leave the country but you have to bring yourself and your emotional baggage with you. So, some form of personal cleansing is probably the first step.

If You Do Not Set Goals, the Months Will Just Fly Past You Again in 2009

A close friend and personal effectiveness coach said this to a group of us. Professional and personal goals give definition to life. They are probably aids for me to make sense of this phase of my life.

My goals for the new year are to build a strong, enduring and close-knit team in my office, grow the business further and practise the forgotten.

Happy living!

Rajan Chettiar
Rajan Chettiar & Co
E-mail: rajan@rajanchettiar.com